With day 40 came back and biceps. Since last week was my first time doing the workout I spent a lot of time figuring out what everything was and jockeying weights, but today went much smoother. Having a record to look back on makes everything much easier. I moved up my weight across the board which was great, and I kept pace almost 100% with Ab Ripper X (which I'm sure I'll pay for tomorrow). Despite doing relatively well over the past few days for some reason I'm not feeling good about everything... so my question is why?
I've actually been kind of bummed about my workouts for the past week or so. Even though I'm increasing my weight each week, keeping pace much better, and obviously losing weight, I still feel like I'm not on track. Taking pictures today on day 40 didn't really help much - I just looked at those and said, "Are you serious? I still look like absolute shit!" I know that I need to be fair to myself since I don't have comparison pictures to day 1, and if I had those I would probably see some distinct differences. Regardless, for some reason things just aren't clicking.
My first thought is about my workouts. Yesterday I mentioned how I felt like I wasn't "Bringing It" enough, so I made sure that I pushed through as hard as possible today. I pushed higher weights on pretty much every exercise today which is no small feet since there's so many, and I banged out Ab Ripper X until I was ready to cry. By all accounts I had a solid workout day.
Most sane people would probably be saying right now, "Alright, I did a good job... and tomorrow I'm going to keep it up." Unfortunately the perfectionist in me is coming out right now screaming, "Why don't you have a six pack? Why are your arms so small? Why do you look chubby?" It's the most frustrating feeling right now because the rational side of my brain tells me to be happy with my work, be proud of the fact that I'm sticking to the program, and look at tomorrow as another day to make a difference. Unfortunately the irrational, muscle-headed, jock wannabe in me is screaming that nothing is good enough. I'm sure I'm not the only person that has dealt with this conundrum - I'm smart enough to know that my insecurities, misgivings, and frustrations are probably shared by a good number of people in this world. I'll never sit here, bitch and complain, and make it seem like I'm the only person in the world that has had these problems. However, that still doesn't get me any closer to figuring out how to make it better.
Besides my workouts the other place I have to look is my diet. While I'm not being nearly as strict (i.e. boring) as last month, I've been getting as close to my 40/40/20 breakdown as possible without international standard weights and measures. I've stayed away from pretty much everything you would consider bad. Even my "treats" have been nothing more than diet snowballs (basically ice and fat/sugar free flavoring) and some fat free, low calorie sorbet. Unfortunately my brain seems to want to keep yelling at me that I'm not eating right. I go over my daily intake in my head, know for a fact it's okay, but I find myself wondering, "Was there too much oil in that? How much fat did I take in today? Did I count my breakfast right?" I really think that I'm starting to go insane. I know the equation makes sense and the numbers add up, but for some reason I keep looking for errors and mistakes where there probably aren't any.
I can be very honest in saying that looking at other results photos, while motivating at first, is not nearly as motivating now. Sometimes it's downright disheartening. Now this is not a knock on anyone who has gotten great results - I'm proud of all of you because I know what it takes and congratulations on a job well done. However, I'm looking at 30 day photos thinking that I don't look nearly as good, and I see 60 day photos thinking there's no way in hell I'm going to do that in the next 20 days. It's probably not fair to try and compare myself to someone else like that, but it's bound to happen with so many before and after pictures floating around.
While Muddy has his "girlie" moment a little bit ago, consider this to be my "crisis" moment. In reality there's nothing wrong - I'm on track and doing well. But, my brain is screaming just the opposite which means I need to use that as motivation to work even harder. I guess sometimes you just need to have a moment of self doubt so that you can keep yourself centered. It's the being okay with your lot in life that allows people to become fat slugs anyway, right?
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7 comments:
You are right, Senor Force. It can be frustrating to feel like you are following the program to the letter and it's been AGES since you started (except it's only been 40 days) - yet, where's that 6 pack? Where are those towering biceps peaks? I have to believe that a little bit of impatience is why people start and stop exercise regimens. It's the reason why I have had start-and-stop workout issues over the past few years.
It takes time. First of all, it's a 90 day program - the first of many 90 day intervals. Second of all, it's a commitment to a lifestyle change. So when I get that same frustration (lovehandles, why you frontin' me!?) I just have to remind myself that I'm in this for the long haul. I turn away from the mirror and put my shirt back on and make myself remember that this is for the long haul and I should temper my impatience.
You'll get there, man. 2 weeks from now you'll look at yourself in the mirror and go, "holy diet snowballs, Cortana! There's an ab!!"
One more thing, in looking at the difference between my Day 1 pics and my Day 30 pics, I have to remind myself that I was pumped up from just working out, AND I had regained some of my memory muscle from when I used to work out back in the day. I seriously went from being almost completely sedentary back to working out 6 days a week and so it all came back pretty fast.
Day by day.
Thanks Prophet - the encouragement is always helpful!
I just stumbled on this blog this morning while avoiding some of the work I should be doing and I have to say that it is my favorite P90X blog to date. I went back and read all of your posts from the start of your p90x adventure, and now I reach this post, and I'm wishing there was more to read. I really hope that you don't give up because it sounds like you and your brother are both realizing fantastic success. Prophet is right, these things take time, and you're less than half-way through the program. Just keep giving it your all.
As for me, I'm also a geek looking to start P90X, but this likely won't happen until the fall, as I have some preliminary fitness work to do (I'd rather not start at my current 230lbs). This also gives me time to develop a web-app to track weights/reps for the workouts, as well as body measurements, with a small blogging component.
Keep up the good work! I'll be watching!
Thanks for the post Nick, and don't worry - I won't be giving up any time soon!
One of the reasons that I put together this blog was because I wanted a place to put all of my thoughts... whether it was my triumphs, frustrations, fears, or just plain ol' bitching. If anything putting everything out here has prevented me from quitting because I can reread things and think, hey, it's not that bad :)
If you manage to develop a web-app for tracking weight and such, let me know. I haven't gone down that route yet, but that would be a great widget for blogger!
FT Love, I do believe the old adage about cameras to be true - the bastards add weight like crazy. When you're feeling good, feeling like you've accomplished so much and then look at a photo that doesn't reflect the immense amount of progress you've made, what your heart and mind know to be true, it's crushing. I've lost 15 lbs in the last 40 days - saw a picture from last weekend and all that was in my head was "g'd*mnit how can my butt STILL look like that?". It's enough to tempt the best of us to say screw it-- where my Double Fudge Brownie at, Ben? Jerry? You're doing great, Muddy is doing great, be patient and kind to yourself - the washboard is well on its way. Don't make me hit you over the head with it.
Also, don't forget that lighting makes a HUGE difference. I know you have to have noticed all the before and after pics are lit differently, even on the hydroxycut tv commercials and beachbody website and books. That's why I think my best pics are the ones I took through the mirror in the bathroom - the light is from above. Just a regular flash washes out any definition (and I can tell you have some). Also, and this may sound too metro or narcissistic for some people, but if you either shave everything above your waistline or clipper it real short, you will be able to see more of what you have accomplished. My chest hair made me look like I have man-boobs so I clippered it. Of course, I did used to have man-boobs....
I thought about the whole lighting too... maybe for the next pics I'll do it in the bathroom since I have overhead lights.
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